The last time I flew I took a strip of paper with me and put one end of it just under my lips and blew over the strip. The strip rose as I blew, which assured me that the plane was going to stay in the air.

After I blew for a while, I started to hyperventilate and got a bit dizzy. So then I looked out the window to see if there was a man in a poodle suit on the wing. There was none.

When it came time to land, I gripped the armrests on my seat as hard as possible until my knuckles were white. This is a technique I have used every time I have flown, and every time the plane has landed safely, so I know it works.

Perhaps next time I fly I will sit next to you. You'll know who I am.